Carsen & Cierra updates!

5/10/08

There is a good reason it has been a whole week since I’ve made a journal entry. Cierra has been doing really well and will be off of her internal respirator soon. She also has no IV’s of any kind. She can take all of her medicine through her feeding tube and is eating breast milk every 4 hours. Carsen is the same as far as not having any IV’s, and eating but his lungs aren’t as strong as Cierra. He is on a regular respirator right now to. Good things are happening for both of them.

Despite all the good news there is also the worst news. I hate even writing it down in this journal. On Wednesday Heidi went to Ogden with Braden and Grace to be with the babies. On Thursday she had a meeting with a neurologist whom had been monitoring Carsen’s progress with his brain bleed. After their meeting she called to tell me about it. The absolute worst nightmare of my life is now unfolding before us.

Carsen has very little brain matter left, and what is left is possibly not functioning brain tissue. He has only a 5% chance of being able to swallow, or even cough. And if he miraculously falls into that 5% window there is no telling how long he will live. His projected functionality is that he will never be in a wheel chair only able to lie in a bed. The horror story goes on and on, and the worst part is that Heidi and I have to choose to keep him alive like that or let his spirit go home to Heavenly Father.

Next time I hear someone say that you will never be tried with something that you can’t handle I will let them know how vague that statement is. I believe it is true, but it seems to provide a false sense of security about possible trials in one’s life. Anything can happen at any time no matter how prepared you are. I guarantee I am not able to handle this trial at all, nobody could be. This statement should be quoted instead, “No matter how overwhelming your trials may feel God will always be there to help”.

Heidi and I still haven’t made a decision at all. We are still praying, and hoping to make sense of everything we’re going through. Whatever decision we make won’t be a wrong or selfish one. We don’t care how hard it will be on our lives to take care of a severely disabled baby. We just don’t want Carsen to suffer any more. But we love him so much we don’t want to let him go either.

5/14/08

Today Carsen Weighs 2lbs. 7oz and Cierra's weight is 2lbs. 3oz. They both look so beautiful and peaceful. Cierra got her ventilator changed out and now all she has is the tubes in her nose supplying her with oxygen. She has such a cute little face, despite her Mothers demands I can’t help but keep calling her my little monkey.

Our window of time to decide to keep Carsen on support or take him off is close to over. Heidi and I went to the Temple in Vernal yesterday and did some initiatory work and then sat in the Celestial room praying and talking. We both had amazing experiences and felt very strongly about what Heavenly Father wants us to do. We also felt and saw visions of just how wonderful little Carsen is. He is such a special spirit that we feel honored that he is part of our family.

We then asked Braden and Grace if they wanted to come with us to Ogden or stay with Grandma and Grandpa Eskelson. They both wanted to stay there so Heidi and I drove out last night. We got here at 12:30 and came into the NICU room to hang out with Carsen, and Cierra; we left at 1:30. The nurses had us a room on the unit to sleep in, it was the same room I slept in that first night. Neither of us slept very well.

When we got up I came straight into the NICU unit and held onto Carsen for about two hours. I really felt like we were able to feel each other’s spirit so I started talking to him and letting him know how honored we all feel to have him in our family. I let him know what was going to happen today and I think he knows. He also knows that he will be OK and he isn’t scared for it to happen.

5/15/08

Heidi’s MOM got here today to see and hold the twins; she got here really late last night. She then went straight to the hospital to see them. The hospital called to ask us if she was ok to come in and see them at 5:30ish. She really wanted to see them, I am glad she got to do so after helping Grandpa Redfield through his passing.

One of the nurses at McKay-Dee hospital takes really professional looking photos for people whom are going through tough times like us. She came in today with all of her stuff and took some really precious photo’s of Carsen and Cierra together. We can’t wait to see them.

Today we had a meeting at about 7:30PM with a couple of the doctors and nurses that care for the twins. The doctors gave us some really good news about Carsen. In a lot fewer words than it took them to explain to us we were told that this decision is no longer ours to make. Carsen has progressed and healed so quickly in such a short amount of time that we no longer have a say when he will pass away. His lungs which looked so scared up and cloudy are now clear and full and healthy. His heart is beating perfectly, and he is pooping like a pro again. All that I blessed him with on Friday happened. His brain is still really badly damaged, but everything else is functioning perfectly.

It feels so good to know that Heavenly Father was really there the whole time. He answered all of our prayers 100%. Now it is up to Heavenly Father when to call him back not us. It was so hard to think about how to tell him goodbye and then tell the doctors to pull his breathing tubes out and watch him die. Such a decision would have haunted us forever. We did have to issue a DNR (do not resuscitate) for Carsen if he were to have a turn for the worse. And that decision was not an easy one either, but so much easier after what we went through to decide if and when to take him off life support.

I have an idea of what Abraham went through when he was told to sacrifice his son Isaac. I thought about Abraham a few times as we were being faced with this. And I prayed every time that it would end the same. I feel like it did; our faith was tested and Heavenly Father blessed us immensely after the test.

This is one trial I will never be thankful enough for. The faith it has built in me I would never have imagined feeling this close to the Lord. I am so humbled by the amount of love and support everyone has shown to us. And the Holy Spirit has been there every step of the way, every tear that was shed.

5/27/08

This last 10 days has been a horrible one for the family, mostly Heidi. She is sick with what seems like 6 different bugs. Grace has been sick, Braden has a cold, and I am getting over one of the worse stomach bugs I have ever gotten. I think all the stress coupled with lack of sleep and being on the go so much is all catching up to us. We are going home together for a week to try and recuperate.

On Thursday Carsen got transported down to Salt Lake City and admitted into the Primary Children’s Hospital for surgery. They are putting a reservoir tap in his head to drain some of the fluid pressure off at a natural rate to see if that will improve his situation. The surgeon whom preformed the operation told us that everything looked better than he expected. He also gave Carsen a CT scan and was expecting to see some stroked brain tissue. He was surprised to see that there wasn’t any. The Doctor said that doesn’t change the prognosis on his possible disabilities but it is a good sign. We will be able to see in the next few months if the surgery did very much depending on how fast Carsen gets off the internal respirator.

Today Carsen weighs 2 lbs. 13 ozs. And Cierra weighs 2 lbs. 10 ozs.



5/30/08

Today we were told that Carsen was extabated, which means that his internal respirator has been removed and he is breathing with a nasal canal tube now. He may be reintabated later but it is good to see he is progressing. I hope that means he is feeling comfortable right now. We will be going out to see them both today; we are all feeling a lot better and excited to hang out with them again.

Carsen now weighs 3 lbs. and 1 oz. and Cierra now weighs 2 lbs. and 13 ozs.

Some new pictures!

A more detailed update!

4/24/08
Today we were notified that Cierra had a tough time with her blood pressure last night. They put her on dopamine to keep it up. The Doctor is positive it is her ductus artery; the same one Carsen had surgery on. They are putting her in surgery later today for a ligation surgery.
….A FEW HOURS LATER…
Cierra’s Doctor just called me back and said everything went perfectly. He also said that while he was looking around inside her chest cavity that all of her organs looked great…really healthy.

4/27/08
Today we were in Ogden visiting the babies; Braden and Grace were at the hospital with us. They just wanted to see where Mom and Dad were going all the time. Braden kept asking to go see the babies. He is too young right now so the nurses won’t let him go back. Which is alright because he would play with everything in there that goes beep, there are a lot of machines beeping too.
Last night we blessed the babies and gave them their names. It was such a wonderful and spiritual experience. I felt so comforted and gave both of them all the wonderful blessings that they deserve. Uncle Mike and Uncle Kyle were there to help.
Heidi’s brother Kyle has been able to stop in and see the babies while he is at work. He has also given them both blessings when we weren’t able to be there. It is so very comforting to know that he, and Naja are there talking to the twins every day.

5/1/08
Cierra is doing really well today. She is on a jet ventilator, which is the specialized ventilator for premature babies. When she started her oxygen needs were at 85, tonight her needs are at 30. So her little lungs are getting stronger every day.
Carsen is still having trouble with bleeding on his brain. His right side is bleeding pretty badly and it is swelling and causing the left side to get crowded. The doctors aren’t worried too much right now but they will be measuring his head every day to make sure it doesn’t swell to fast. Up till now his head hasn’t swollen at all so they think that the bleeding has either stopped or it is so slow that things will get better and they won’t have to drain any brain fluid to reduce the swelling. It is an answer to our prayers, one more of the many miracles that we all have been blessed with.
Both of the twins are eating Mommy’s milk every 4 hours. Cierra gets 3.5ml every 4 hours and Carsen is eating 7ml every 4 hours. If they are tolerating it well that amount will go up every 12 hours. Right now Carsen weighs 2lbs, and Cierra weighs 2lbs 2oz.
We are getting so much support from everyone in the community here, and our ward back in Eagle Valley. I have heard so many people putting our, and the twins names on the prayer rolls at the temple that they must be on them 30 times. I truly feel that spiritual strength from everyone’s faith and all the positive thoughts for our benefit.
Braden and Grace got to go back and see the twins through the window today. They brought them matching little stuffed animals to sit on their incubators. But Carsen and Cierra need Braden and Grace to take care of them until they get home. They were so good, the nurse made them wear little face masks with Disney characters on them and fold their arms. The mask was too big for Grace she couldn’t see over it completely so it didn’t last long on her but she did keep her arms folded and so did Braden. Braden loved seeing their little feet moving around, he was so excited. He was saying “Which one is Carsen, Where is Cierra, I see his feet daddy, Look there’s Cierra’s leg.” When I told them to say goodbye Braden and Grace stared kissing the window and saying “I wub you Arsen, I wub you Yierra” So cute. I was really glad they got to see their brother and sister it really helped make sense of everything to them.

More pictures to come and Thank you for all your support and prayers!

A Comfort Passage

Heidi has asked me to post this scripture to express some of the thoughts & feelings she has had in the past couple weeks:

16 Yea, and even all they who wrought miracles wrought them by faith, even those who were before Christ and also those who were after.

17 And it was by faith that the three disciples obtained a promise that they should not taste of death; and they obtained not the promise until after their faith.

18 And neither at any time hath any wrought miracles until after their faith; wherefore they first believed in the Son of God.


Carsen has had a couple blessings now and so have Heidi & Brandon. She said that after a couple of the blessings, these scriptures related most to some of the promises that were made.
She has expressed fears for the twins as well as hope, which I think is what we all feel along with her. Thank you for your continued hope and prayers.

Some good news!

4/22/08
Miracles are already starting to happen for Carsen. The Neonatal Doctor looked at his brain picture’s and x-ray’s and told the nurse Nancy that he wouldn’t have graded the right side of Carsen’s bleeding a 3 but a 2. So it sounds like the right side of his brain is much better than we thought. At grade 2 there is little danger and the right side of the brain is what most of us use for functioning every day. The left side is what we use for creative thinking. We are still praying and hoping for a miracle and that all the bleeding will be gone and he will have no problems. Nancy also told us that a friend of hers that is also a nurse adopted a little boy who had such extensive bleeding on both sides of his brain that they thought it would be fatal. They put in a brain shunt and now he is 11 years old and head of his class and has no noticeable disability what so ever.
Please keep praying and hoping for the best.

A new update!

4/21/08

The doctors and nurses have been telling us to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Last night we got some pretty bad news about Carsen. The doctors did and ultrasound on both babies and found Cierra had a small blood clot on her brain but nothing to worry about. But Carsen had extensive bleeding in his brain that would most likely cause some disabilities later in life. We won’t know how much until months or even years down the road. When there is bleeding on the brain it is graded a 1-4 4 being the worst. Carsen had a grade 3 on his right side and 4 on his left. The doctors say all we can do is hope it has stopped but the damage is irreversible. The nurses can tell their opinion more than have to tell you the consequences and they are telling us to count on divine intervention. And we are. Heidi’s brother Kyle got someone from his ward and went and gave Carsen a blessing last night. He said during the blessing he was reassured that everything will be OK. We are all praying so much and Heidi and I fell calm about the whole situation too. I know that we will be tried in our faith and miracles can happen.
When Cierra had growth on her liver we prayed and it disappeared Carsen had air in his bowels that disappeared after praying. We all just need to pray for Carsen and the miracle will happen.




Here are some pics of before and during it all! Look at Heidi, so amazing!







Ciearra Lynn Eskelson


















Carsen John Eskelson

Hi all, The last update was lacking in a few details...sorry, so this message is to fill in the gaps and add a little of what has happened since then.
Heidi delivered our twins Sunday April 13th at 11:00 and 11:01PM. A boy Carsen John whom weighed 1lb 11oz, and a girl Cierra Lynn whom weighed 1lb 8oz, Cierra was born first followed less than one minute later by Carsen. Heidi had been dilated to a 2 on Tuesday when Dr. Nolte (my new HERO) checked her.

On Thursday she had been feeling labor pains and we took her in to UBMC to be checked again....still a 2. At this same visit the doctor did a test called a natalfibranectin test, it is 95% accurate in determining if she would be delivering in the nexttwo weeks. The results were negative so the doctor sent us home. He did give her a long list of symptoms to be worried about. Sunday afternoon she was in the restroom and saw some of those symptoms the doctor was worried about. So we called my brothers and my dad to come over and give her a blessing. After her blessing my parents took Braden, and Grace and we drove to the hospital in Roosevelt (UBMC). When Doctor Nolte (Heidi's OBGYN for only 5 days now)checked her she was dilated to a 5. So they gave her a bunch of meds to stop the labor and arranged a helicopter flight to get her to a hospital that would be suited to take care of herthe best. When the Air Med team showed up an hour later they did their own exam on her and she had dilated to an 8.

Her medication didn't slow anything down, the twins were determinedto meet the world right now. The Air Med team could not take her up in the air for risk of her delivering in the air putting all three lives in extreme danger. The first airmed team stayed there to lend any extra needed support and two Life Flight teams were called in to take the babies once they were delivered and stable. Luckily the two teams were not busy and got there in just under an hour.

When they arrived UBMC had 8 nurses, 2 pediatricians, and a surgery team ready. And our new hero Dr. Nolte was in game mode patiently waiting for the Life Flight teams to say they were all ready. Two minutes after the word go was pronounced Cierra was out of the womb and being rushed down the hall into the waiting incubators of the LF teams. One minute later Carsen was headed the same direction. I was holding one of the double doors to the surgery room open and watched every step of the surgery. When both babies came out they were reaching out and grabbing what ever they could get a hold of. They were both gasping when they passed me, it sounded more like a squeaky way of saying hi to dear old dad. At the moment of delivery seeing both of them delivered all my nervousness and fear was swept away and I was so happy to see them already grabbing onto as much life as they could. I flew out with Cierra in the Air Flight plane, Carsen got to ride in the Helicopter, which made me jealous I have wanted to go up in a chopper my whole life he was only 30 minutes old and already going up in one.

We arrived at the McKay-Dee Hospital in Ogden at just after midnight. We wanted to send Heidi here in the first placeand after the nurse found out that the Primary Children's Hospital in SLC was full she called McKay-Dee to see if they would take us in and they did. The babies will get the same level of care here as they would at PCH. Heidi's brother Kyle works here and lives only 20 minutes away. He and Naja are so very kind they immediatelytold Heidi they would take her in and help out while she was here to be with Carsen and Cierra.

Earlier today Heidi and I were talking about how lucky we are to have the friends and family we do. They are all calling and offering sooo much to help, our brothers and parents are stepping in and taking full control of all the loose ends making it easier for us. I know we would be so stressed and frantic without them.

We are getting calls from all our friends and being offered so much help it is truely humbling. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. Heidi got to leave the UBMC Wednesday morning and I brought her out to be with me and the twins in Ogden. They are doing very well right now. I am writing a journal of all that is happening and sending it and pictures to Ashley Harris and she is going to help us keep a good blog of everything. Thanks Ashley, here are some more Photos. We love you all and thank you for your prayers and help.
Love Brandon and Heidi

Carsen John

Carsen again!

The twins first week!

Cierra Lynn!