Welcome Home

Our day has come. Carsen came home Sunday Aug.17th. Although not without a few hurdles. As I was at the hospital getting passed off on all the teaching by his nurses my fears somewhat intensified. I realized that I did not know Carsen's cues and routines very well. His situation has always been different than his sister's and it was even more unfamiliar to me since he began staying at Primary Children's. Feeding time was the scariest. Carsen eats a lot slower than Cierra and still had difficulty with the sucking/swallowing/breathing routine. The couple times I had fed him from a bottle he choked on his food and his heart rate dropped significantly. Well, I don't care much for the color blue or purple on my little boy. The exercise of rubbing his back and patting him vigorously to breathe was unnerving. I really questioned in my heart if Carsen was truly ready to come home. After talking to the doctors and nurse practitioners they convinced me that "he" was ready. But, was I ready? That was the question. With a stomach tied in knots I decided to trust the doctors. Besides, I really didn't want to wait one more day for our little guy to come home.
Well, to our surprise Carsen has done amazingly well. Why should we be surprised really. Carsen has impressed us all each step of the way. He's eating, sleeping, and growing very well. We couldn't be happier with his progress. Carsen and Cierra's Pediatrician is wonderful. When she met Carsen this week she admitted that she was very pleasantly suprised. When I had told her about Carsen's history she expected him to look and act much different. That was of course great to hear.
Carsen and Cierra have brought so much to our lives in such a small amount of time. They have been on this earth for four months now and I feel like I have experienced more fear, pain, joy, anxiety, and desperation in that time than in my entire life. I don't think the spinning of my world has quite stopped yet. I think it will continue to slow and rebalance as time goes on. When I sit in quiet moments holding them close I look at them and realize how much this has been so much bigger than me. It's much bigger than my emotional, physical, and spiritual capacities to handle. I look at them in awe and in wonder. I am totally overwhelmed and humbled by them and their existence. That's when I realize I have been carried many times through this rough journey. To have made it this far with so much to hope for. I know that we have been blessed. I know that things could have turned out very differently than this. There is definitely a path and a purpose for these little miracles. I am humbled and thrilled to follow and participate in that path. They are special little babies. Amazing gifts from a loving Heavenly Father. Of all the gifts one can receive, this one will have me grateful for eternity.