Eskelson miracles

"I'm gett'in noth'in for Christmas"

2010-11-30T20:49:00.000-08:00

Well hopefully not! But really, that's what I deserve. My birthday was right after Thanksgiving and my hubby went ABOVE and BEYOND, and took our bank account to "INFINITY AND BEYOND". I was so speechless and still am. I usually have the ability to veto most of what I think he is thinking of buying for me (cause it's usually too much). This time was quite different. Yes, it is exactly what I wanted but I still have a hard time accepting all of it. Oh well! Like I said, "I'm gett'in noth'in for Christmas"! Maybe Brandon too.:( No, not really. I have to come up with something. The question is always, but WHAT? Especially after being spoiled so bad! Any ideas? Slippers made out of toilet paper? Earmuffs made out of laundry lint? Uh, I know! Earplugs made out of mini-marshmallows, for when the kids get too rowdy! Yea, except what about when they start to warm up from being in the ear too long? That might get a little messy I'm afraid. Oh well! Guess it doesn't matter cause, "I'm gett'in noth'in for Christmas".

P.S. This photo was taken with a brand new Android smart phone that was part of my present. In this box which was given a couple days after the phone, was a super nice Canon SLR with tripod, case, SD cards, battery packs, and lenses! Yes, I did say lenses! AAAAhhhhh! Still in shock! Thank you. I feel better.

I love to be a Mother

2010-11-04T20:17:00.001-07:00

These are my favorite faces!

I get to see them everyday!

I am a very lucky mom.
My heart is always full.

It's a special priveledge to be a mother.

No one can take my place.

I've been crowned with one of the highest responsibilities.

A mother's love is more powerful than all others.

A mother is a child's primary teacher and nurturer.

Motherhood is such a precious gift!

Our calling is great!

But our reward is even greater.

Motherhood is divine and sacred.

Motherhood is a work from God.

I would never choose anything other.

My children will learn from ME their most important teacher.

That is what God intended.

That's why he sent them to ME.

I will hold this calling high,

Above all others.

This is MY work!

Because I am a Mother.

Creepy cats, Best friends, The Halloween season, and Homemade salsa!!

2010-10-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

Me and #5 being "CREEPY CATS"!

My best friend from Canada came to see me last week. We had a great time! We met in Park City for a day and enjoyed some great shopping and girl time! I also had the BEST fish and chips of my entire life!! I know you think big deal, right? Well just let me remind you I am from the Great Northwest you know. We kind of like to brag about our fish. And as my father says, "If you can't see the water.... don't eat the fish!" But I must say, even though I can't see any water in Park City, any REAL water, that is, I ate the fish and it was GOOOOD!! It was dang good. Amazing I tell you! Red Rock Brewing Co. in Park City. You must go and try their beer battered Halibut fish and chips. Leave the chips even, just eat the fish! So white, so flaky, so thick! It melts in your mouth. You won't even believe you are eating fish. I can't wait to go again. I told the hubby all about it. Next time we are anywhere near Park City, we are there!

Halloween is fast approaching and we are excited! We couldn't help stocking up on pumpkins for carving and for roasting pumpking seeds. We love 'em! And of course more baked goods, Halloween cupcakes!!

And last but not least, canning homemade salsa! Dun dun dun... total flop. First time canning, and first time at real homemade salsa. Not only did one of the jars burst during the steaming process, but it ended up being way too salty. Oh well, maybe next time. I guess I don't handle defeat too well when it comes to working in the kitchen. My fridge is already stocked full of salsa ingredients again. Wish me luck!!

Why do I even make THESE?

2010-10-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have NO control when it comes to these! I start out thinking I won't eat any. I'll let Brandon and the kids eat them.
Then it's, well,... maybe I'll have just ONE. I did go to all the trouble making them in the first place. I should at least eat ONE. I should let myself enjoy it just a little bit. Well, that's when it happens. I've had my first few bites and it's heaven. It's a rush of yumminess that I can't live without. It reminds me of the sinfully delicious Cinnabon's that my Mom and I could NEVER resist while cruising the mall.

Before I know it....., it's gone! And I'm scraping my plate for every last bit of gooey cinnamon swirled dough topped with the perfectly balanced butter and cream cheese frosting. I clean my fork and immediately am thinking I wish I had just ONE more bite.

You know what's coming next right? My mind is reeling. "Don't even think about having another." "Oh, but I could just tear off one more little piece." I wrestle with myself. And, I win. The bad side wins. Not the sensible one that has limits. The other side. The one that tells me, while I contemplate the whole thing in the beginning, "You are so domestic. You're kids and husband will love you forever if you make these." "Good moms make yummy, delicious, homemade goodies for their family." "It's the nice thing to do."

BACK...BACK!! You evil, belly bulging, brain triggering opioid.

You see, the truth is, that I have made THREE batches of these in the last THREE days. Now do you see where my delirium comes from?!

Aaahhh.... there. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

Oh, and yes I had more than two....a few times.

Darn Burros!

2010-09-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have a steel gate I can borrow? No, I'm not getting into the cattle business just yet. But I do have a few kids I need to herd from time to time.

My measly wooden gate doesn't seem to be doing the trick anymore. I have a little burro that won't stop breaking through the gate. It's not like he's looking for food on the other side. I guess he just thinks it's the next best thing to climbing a mountain.

O.k., there's really no burro. It's just our determined little Carsen following the rest of the herd. (That would be the other four little burros.) Go Carsen! He can finally climb the stairs.

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Where's Cierra ?????

2010-09-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been so busy one of your children gets lost in the mix? But you always find them asleep in big brothers room, or looking at a book in the closet. Well Braden, Carsen and Kyan are all sick. I (Big B) am trying to take care of them and clean the kitchen at the same time. Heidi and Grace had escaped to go shopping. I suddenly realized Cierra was missing. I called out her name but she didn't answer, she never does for me. Then I looked in all the rooms, and all the closets, NOTHING. I started to freak out knowing she was probably outside looking for Brianna and Kellie (the neighbor girls whom babysit Cierra) and hoping she was not hurt. Luckily Brianna and Kellie were right outside painting the fence and Cierra was with them. They told me she came over and said "me help". It was so cute I couldn't be mad, so I got her a paint brush from our garage. She was so happy to be painting and acting like a big girl. I took pictures.

Kindergarten Eve

2010-08-31T20:10:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's the big day! I can't wait! He can't wait! We all can't wait! But yet, I'm also sad, and nervous, and anxious and well,...you get the point.

I'm a mom, what can I say. It's my first time sending a child off to school and I'm just mixed with emotions. He's my oldest! He's my firtborn! He's my boy! I'm torn.

I'm going to really miss him. It's been me and him, not just him, but me and him for five whole years. And now it's going to change. That's a big change for me.

We often have the same basic, but nonstop, million things to do in a day routine. And the biggest change is him not being here.

I'm thrilled for him. I can't wait to see the changes.
It's feels like the next phase of life for him which will bring great change and growth. The time where he grows to become ever more like the amazing child I dream for him to become. Another opportunity to look upon my child with great admiration and pride which I already feel so much for him.

Son, you make us so proud. You are one of my greatest and sweetest treasures. I love your strength. I love your tenderness. I love your smile and your laugh. I love the way you tease. I love the way you are determined and driven. I love your hugs. I love it when you lead.

Learn well Braden. Be teachable. Be an example. Be determined and BE Braden.

I love you!
Mommy

Grasshoppers! "Shaken not stirred"

2010-08-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

The end of summer is near. School has started for most, and the sounds of children laughing and screaming outside are beginning to fade. The desire to ride bikes, hit golf balls off the front lawn, and play with the bubble machine is no longer very strong.

So what does one do to cure this end of summer let down?

How about pull out the water machine guns one more time and have a 3 hour battle?

Or, how about we build another water erupting volcano in the sandbox that floods everything?

No? Maybe pile every kid in the neighborhood into the Hummer one more time and see if it breaks....again?

O.k. fine,.....how about GRASSHOPPER HUNTING?

Did someone say Grasshopper hunting??!!

Yeah, you know we could catch them very carefully with a pair of pliers so we don't have to touch them. Then we can ask people if they want to buy them! That's a GREAT idea!! Everyone is looking to buy a few grasshoppers at the end of summer for absolutely no reason at all. Which they would have absolutely no use for at all. YAY!!!!! Let's do it!

Oh, and after we have caught them and seal them TIGHTLY in a ziploc bag, and get annoyed with them when they crawl up the edge of the bag or when they crawl on top of each other, let's be sure and shake them as vigorously as possible, OVER and OVER until they want to puke.

My how sad it will be when summer has finally faded and gone. What will we think of then?

Aren't Sundays supposed to be peaceful and relaxing?

2010-08-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

August 8th began like any other previous Sunday morning. We woke up to the ever familiar beeping sound of Carsen's feeding pump alarming us that the bag filled with Pediasure was empty. Brandon takes his turn as he does every weekend morning to turn it off. As always Carsen greets his Daddy with a big toothy grin and a smile reaching ear to ear. As Brandon begins looking for the connector piece that connects the pump to Carsens button in his belly, Brandon discovers that Carsen has completely pulled out his feeding tube. If you can imagine a literal hole on the surface of his belly leading right into his stomach....completely exposed!

About a year and a half ago when Carsen had his feeding tube placed Brandon and I were given necessary and detailed training on how to care for his G-tube. During that class we learned about the urgency of a situation such as this. They taught us that the stomach begins to heal over within twenty minutes of the tube being pulled out. I'm sorry, did you hear that? TWENTY m i n u t e s!

So, here we are Sunday morning, Carsen's G-tube is sitting on his mattress; hole in his belly; Pediasure EVERYWHERE in his bed; Carsen grinning ear to ear; Mom and Dad having a major freak out. We have no idea how long this tube has been pulled out of his belly sitting on his mattress.

Immediately Brandon pulls him out of bed, lays him out flat and attempts to put the button back in. No good. No go.

An hour later with Grandparents at the house watching the other four we are headed to the ER in Vernal. We got in fairly quickly. Carsen is given a sedative to keep him calm and to help prevent him fighting us. Dr. B who also assisted us the last time we were in the ER for Kyan's dehydration was there to help us again. By the way, I start getting uneasy when we start getting a little too familiar with the ER doctors. At least it wasn't the same doctor who had to Life flight Carsen out when he stopped breathing on me. I'm afraid that might trigger too many memories.

Anyway, so the story continues. Dr. B gets some supplies ready and begins. I'm laying on the hospital bed with Carsen laying on top of me, face up, holding him down. The goal is to insert a Foley catheter {long stretchy bendable tube} into his belly hole. Once the Foley catheter tube is in we can somewhat relax knowing the hole won't grow back any more than it already has.

Success! After a hand full of tries he got it in! O.k, so next question is, can we work our way up to the Miki button? Let's try! With another dose of Versed, Dr. B goes in for it. First few attempts..... no go. Next few attempts..... no go. Last few attempts, Carsen is getting really mad, no go.

Dr. B decides we should come back tomorrow and give another Dr. at the hospital a try.

O.k.

It's Monday morning. Grandma and Grandpa come to sit with the other four kids. We are off to the hospital. We meet Dr. V. He's a surgeon. Dr. V looks at Carsen, checks out the Foley catheter sticking out of his belly and asks a few questions.

"How about we get you in sometime at the end of the week?"

Uhh, what? Brandon and I look at each other. "I'm sorry that's not gonna work" we say. Dr. V says, "o.k, I'll try and get him in tomorrow".

But wait why not today? Why not right now??

For whatever reason, he wanted us to come back tomorrow. Tomorrow being day THREE without his feeding tube. That's starting to push it in my book. In reality, the boy can eat by mouth! Awesome. But, he doesn't hardly TOUCH the liquids. Every few weeks if we're lucky. The last thing we wanted was to do the NG tube again. (Feeding tube through the nose, down the back of the throat, into the stomach.)

We get home and I decide to call Primary Children's again, for the fourth or fifth time since Sunday morning. I talk to a nurse who gives us what she calls a "trick" to putting in a G-tube. AH HA! I feel like this is it. This is what's missing! By, the way, this "trick" rings no bell whatsoever from our training on the G-tube.

I call Brandon at work and tell him the news. He feels it too! This is it.

Grandma and Grandpa once again make their way over. This time, Grandma stays downstairs with the kids while Grandpa, Brandon, and I take Carsen upstairs. We take him into his room and shut the door. Brandon has everything cut, measured, opened, layed out and ready. Grandpa has his legs and I have his arms. We say a prayer. About a minute later it's in. It's a go!

Carsen fought and screamed, but thankfully it didn't take long.

That was a lot to bear for his Dad. Brandon was quite shaken up, but soothed by the relief of it being over.

Thanks Daddy! You are our hero.... once again.

Blood suckers!

2010-06-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Gracie comes in the house and says to me "Hey mom when I do this it hurts my arm". I see her hold her arm up in the air like she is trying to flex her bicep. In a Gracie sort of way that is. As I kneel down to take a closer look I realize that the top of her forearm from the elbow down is swollen, red, and tight almost like a Popeye shaped arm. "Ooh Gracie what happened?" I said. "I don't know." "Well, what do you mean, did something bite you or sting you?" "No." "Well, when did it happen?" "I don't know." O.k.....so obviously this isn't going so well. My investigative skills with my kids lately have been pretty unrevealing.....especially when it comes to when and how they are getting hurt. So, after no success with my questioning I call our favorite Pediatrician's office for the umpteenth time this week asking to get us in asap. No problem!

Come to find out it was most likely a couple of mosquito bites that had started to infect the soft tissue in her arm. O.k. so can I just say here that we are so tired of the mosquito bites so far this season. They have been vicious. I say vicious because it's one thing when it's just you you have to worry about. But when you have five little squishy and soft, warm bodied little babies/toddlers to defend that keep getting bit before you get the spray out, its seems a little vicious!

So we left the Doctors with a dose of Benadryl and a prescription for an antibiotic. Phew! Not too bad. Especially when I think back to the early days with the twins.....not bad at all!

Swings, Trampolines, Skateboards, just a few of the many dangerous inventions for fun...or pain!

2010-06-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

You would think that I would take advantage of the fact that I could get to bed a little early tonight but....no. I can't help but stay up until Brandon gets home. He's on call all week and this is just the beginning.

I always hate it when he has to go. Even though I do have a little bit of quiet time after I've put the kids to bed.... I still wish he was here. I just can't settle down for bed until he is home again.

So...here I am. Hoping to make it quick so I can get upstairs and pick up where I left off....... I started reading 'The Lovely Bones' about a week ago. So far this summer my evenings have been consumed with some pick off the New York Times best sellers list. I'm quite enjoying myself. I picked my book up today and felt guilty for reading during my "mothering hours". Yes the three youngest were napping but still..... I guess I felt I should have been cleaning or baking something with my almost rotten bananas. I guess there's always tomorrow!

Yesterday Braden had a special visit with one of our wonderful and very familiar Pediatricians, Dr. Pollary. After a fall from a swing onto a stone slab my sweet boy was helped up and assisted over to the owners mom after stumbling to the ground at least three different times. Can you say c o n c u s s i o n! No thank you!

After he came to the house and found me I asked him what happened and he kept answering, "I don't know", "I don't know". That's when the panic set in. I called the Doctor's office, explained what happened, and pleaded to get Braden in.

So, of course, as all Mom's know....by the time you get to the Doctor the child no longer has a fever, or is no longer showing signs of serious pain, or well.....in my case....memory loss.

After a gentle and thorough assesment Braden seemed to feel much better and no longer showed any sign of injury. The prescription was to watch for any signs of vomiting, drowsiness, or unequal pupil dilation. And, no potentially dangerous activities, which could cause more bruising to the brain for the next two weeks. O.k., sure, no problem Doc! We will make sure of it!

Well.....so far so good, except of course for the little fall backwards on the grass after we got home while running away from Daddy. Oh, and the crazy jumping up and down for no reason that made him stop abruptly and inform us how painful it was in his head.

Yeah, but other than that this should be a breeze. Besides, that was just day one!

Joking aside, even though it helps keep me sane, I am so grateful he will be just fine!

2010-06-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

Once again....it's been awhile. I will try to keep it sweet and simple. It's been four months since my last post. Let's see how much I can cram into this "simple" update. Besides it's the pictures that say it best! But before we get to that, here are some of the highlights of the last four months in the Eskelson household.....

*Braden turned 5

*Braden gets registered for Kindergarten.

*Braden breaks our flatscreen T.V. throwing the WII remote at it. (P.S. Not a highlight! )

*Grace turned 4

*Carsen and Cierra turned 2

*Brandon lost over 30lbs.

*I lost 17lbs.

*Kyan lost a few lbs. and spent some time in the hospital. (Not a highlight)

*Carsen discovers his love for elephants.

*Braden joins a T-ball team.

*Brandon becomes a T-ball coach.

*Cierra moves out of a crib and into a toddler bed.

*I FINALLY finish reading Breaking Dawn.

*Grace moves out of nursery and into primary.

*Cierra discovers nursery equals snack time!

*Carsen gives nursery a try. Kind of likes it.

*Brandon and I celebrate our 7th anniversary.

And once again..... I reflect on my life with a fulness of heart. I feel so lucky to have this family.

Do I really have time to do this?

2010-02-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

The pleasant sound of Kyan's sleep inducing humidifier whoooing in the background makes my heart smile. He has not been able to keep much of a sleeping pattern until about a couple of weeks ago. (NOT SO FUN!) But finally we have him into a good sleeping pattern taking a couple naps during the day and waking only a couple times during the night. I must say, sleep is....goooood! The poor kid went from sleeping only in a swing in our room, to sleeping in a swing in his room, to sleeping in a bassinet in his room to a bassinet in our room, and now in our closet. Not because we are mean or cruel, he just seems to sleep really good in there. It's dark, quiet, and smells like mommy! What could be better? So, besides the fact that I get to sleep more and I love that, Kyan is literally starting to grow again with the amount of sleep he's getting. His Pediatrician revealed to us that he had not grown in length from November to January partly because of lack of sleep but also because of lack of calories. Kyan did not like anything but nursing and apparently that was no longer enough. But as of a couple of weeks ago he has finally started drinking plain formula. He's taking his time on liking anything else. As long as he's getting enough calories and getting enough sleep, I'm happy. Well, I guess that's all that makes me happy too. Calories and sleep! We're both pretty simple I guess.

Carsen and Cierra are two months shy of their second birthday. Crazy! Time has flown and crept by. In the beginning each day was such a struggle for them and me but I'd say since their first birthday things have been somewhat easier(minus the six months of fussy/sleepy baby and mommy), and their progress so much more visible.

We took the twins to a speech pathologist this week who gave us some feedback on how they are doing. Not really to our surprise Carsen displayed a higher level than Cierra with their communication skills. Of course we are aware of this because we see it ourselves, but it's different seeing Carsen progressing quicker than Cierra. They tested equal in receptive communication but Carsen was ahead in his expressive communication. Yeah Carsen! We've got our work cut out for us though. Lots, and lots, and lots of talking and naming things to Cierra. For some reason that's exhausting for me. (And for Brandon's ears.)

Carsen is still crawling his own way. As, uncle Rod put it...."like we did it in 'Nam". We have to practice lots of supported standing with Carsen to help his legs learn how to bare weight. He doesn't enjoy that process for very long. His legs still seem pretty weak and tight....if that makes any sense. His muscles are weak but his hips are tight and that equals difficulty in standing and alternating leg movements. So we're working on that as well. I swear Brandon and I should be considered certified in something after all of this knowledge and experience we've gained. Really! It's truly higher education paid for by the state and our insurance company. Too bad we don't get the paper on the wall to back it up. I feel tempted sometimes to pursue that line of work in the (distant) future. Who knows. I'll probably be too old and senile by then.

Oh yeah, and there's two more to talk about.(Braden and Gracie). The T.V. and the WII works so they seem just fine. Oh I shouldn't have said that out loud. I mean they are practicing their letters and numbers everday and learning how to read, write, cook and clean. O.k. no, not that either. The truth is that they get mommy as much as possible.(Not very possible really.) We get by each day often times with minimal yelling, timeouts, and meltdowns. I think everyone has had to learn how to take each day as it comes and try to take turns with getting enough attention, and time with mom and dad. And that is also a work in progress. I hope at least they are getting a little bit of Mommy 101 out of it all.

We're still alive!!

2009-08-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

How will I ever get the time to add new posts? With the addition of our newest baby Kyan, I can't seem to squeeze any extra minutes out of my day. My hands are beyond full. They are definitely being stretched to their maximum! Although, I am able to get some relief when Brandon gets home from work every day. Some days he comes home and I am at the door purse in hand, hair pulled in a ponytail, brow furrowed tight, with a crazy look in my eye ready to run. Unfortunately, my escape is just another unnecessary trip to the grocery store. My choices for escaping here are pretty limited and I really can't leave Brandon home alone with the madness either.

O.k. so now that I got that off my chest. I can move on.

Our little Kyan is about 6 weeks old already! He is still on the small side somewhere between 7 and 8 pounds. But his feet are still huge! Now this guy is a little bit of a high maintenance baby but...... because I know that he is the last he can get away with anything. Even when I have to go pick him up for the third or fourth time in a row after laying him down dead asleep. It makes moving on to the next task, or baby, or toddler almost impossible. And that is partly why our house is so chaotic. Someone else is waiting on me for something that they want and they want it NOW. But when it comes to little Kyan, he gets what he wants every time. I just can't deny him. Even when he insists on sleeping right next to me all night and wakes if I try to move him just a few inches away from me. He's kind of a stinker but once again, he's the last one and he gets what he wants.

So, because time is so precious here are some pictures to fill in the last couple of months.

This was poor Cierra after being left in her walker outside on the patio when the sprinklers turned on before I could get back. She was a good sport!

Carsen....just being cute!

Today was Carsen's first haircut! Looks a bit like Grandpa Towne if you ask me.
Sadly this is Braden and Gracie receiving instruction from their "other" mother....... the TV.

All in all everyone is surviving and doing well. We sure love and adore our newest edition and can't believe how big we've gotten in such a short amount of time. Five kids in four years. Not quite what we expected but so glad to have them all and wouldn't trade them for anything. Thank goodness they are all so little and won't know how looney and imperfect their parents are for quite some time...... As long as no one tells them anyway.

36 weeks and counting.......

2009-06-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

Here I am going on my 37th week and everything seems to look good. The fact that I have made it this far is just a relief! No more worries of having a super early preemie. I keep telling my doctor I just want a big baby! No more one and a half pounders. I keep thinking at least seven pounds would be great. Although, after hearing about our home teachers' wife and her delivery last week I think maybe bigger isn't always best. She had a 10lb. 6oz.'er. NATURALLY!! Whoa, you go girl! (At home even, with a midwife.) Thankfully, all are doing well. So I think I'll stick to my seven pound range if I can. As far as the rest of the family goes I think the older kids are looking forward to meeting their little and LAST baby brother. They keep asking when baby "so and so" is going to come out. I say so and so just in case we change our minds on the name. You never know. Especially when it comes to me. I finally have everyone a little more settled in their rooms to make space in our room for baby. The twins of course share a room but have separate cribs. They are getting bigger and bigger and need more room to roll around in their sleep. Besides, Cierra still likes to crawl all over her brother like he's just some squishy pillow that makes sound when you sit on it. For that reason alone I think he thoroughly enjoys his own crib. All she can do is squawk at him through the wooden bars of her own crib from across the room. Just to update you on Carsen's feeding tube issue we are still on the schedule for the G-tube surgery this month. I would like to hope that something changes and we can cancel it but for now I'm not counting on it. Yesterday he had the NG tube placed in his nose. Brandon and I were both able to get trained on how to place it and use it. It's kind of a scary thing to be responsible for. The risk of placing it in the lungs is very real. The nurse who trained us said she had actually had a feeding tube placed in her lungs when she was in the hospital for some kind of surgery. She said it was pretty awful. Luckily they checked the placement before feeding her. Anyway, it is scary but at the same time I like the fact that you can remove it and it's gone. Not like the G-tube. They only remove the G-tube after 6 to 8 months of taking all foods and fluids by mouth. But the one good thing about all this is that Carsen is definitely going to get the amount of fluids that he needs. No more barely wet diapers, and no more worries of dehydration. They've also always said that development goes hand in hand with proper calorie intake. So, we hope to see progress there as well. As for Cierra's development she is still doing very well. She is climbing the stairs every chance she gets. She waves hi and goodbye, plays peek-a-boo, dances, pulls herself to standing, says N0 NO NO, and more. We couldn't be more pleased with all her progress. It's so fun to watch the older kids entertain the twins. They are always competing to see who can make Carsen laugh the hardest. He cracks up at them over the smallest thing. The whole family seems to stop what their doing and be drawn in to the room when Carsen starts his infectious laughing. It's great!

Mixed feelings

2009-05-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I prefer to post about exciting and positive things that the babies do but this one may be a bit of the good and bad. Carsen had a visit at the Doctors today regarding his eating. Nothing new, I guess. But over the last month he has really dropped off on his fluid intake. When it comes to feedings he chooses to completely ignore the bottle and only take food from the spoon. Yeah for the solids but not so good for the fluids. I can't get him to drink from a cup yet so it's kind of scary. That being said, the overall consensus is that it's finally time for Carsen to get a feeding tube. I have been fighting this for almost a full year. Some say it was a good fight but it's hard to accept that cheerfully. I can't help but feeling like we are taking a big step back. It seems like we have made it so far yet now it feels like we were just wasting time by putting it off. But I do realize we weren't wasting time totally because Carsen has learned to eat solids and that's a big deal. But it now feels like all that fighting and stress and the emotional roller coaster ride was all for naught. I don't know. But here we are. It seems to be the best option for Carsen now. We hope so. In the mean time he will likely be using an NG tube (through the nose) to stay hydrated and take fluids. I'm really not excited about that because having to be responsible for placing the tube is very frightening to me. But I guess it's just part of the job requirement now. I still have to say how grateful we are for All of Carsen's progress. He has overcome so much and defied so many odds and he's only 13 months old. Even though we're disappointed we know Carsen is still going to do way more than we ever dreamed or imagined! He's a strong little guy and we hope this just makes him stronger.

Happy Birthday Babies!

2009-05-08T20:19:00.000-07:00

On April 13th we celebrated the babies first birthday! It was a wonderful day with much to celebrate. They have been able to accomplish so much over the past year. We feel so blessed to have such special little babies who have fought so hard to be where they are.

Carsen is doing really well eating solids now. He still has some trouble taking the bottle as much as we'd like him to. But overall he seems to be getting enough to keep him satisfied. Sometimes that means he gains weight and sometimes it means he just stays the same. His eating and weight gain are still a concern with the Doctors but not enough to doing anything drastic.

Carsen has been able to roll over from his right side for some time now. Well, good news is that as of a couple of days ago he has learned to roll over from his left side! That may not sound big to some but for us and Carsen it's huge! His left side has been the side there has always been some concern about. Mainly the tightness in his left arm and hand. We have tried to give a lot of attention to this area. Often it feels like he has maxed out his level of progress in a certain area. Then finally, much to our surprise he shows us that he is not done by any means. It does take time (and patience on my part) but eventually he overcomes or hits that developmental milestone and reminds us that he's going to get it. No matter how long it takes. It's always a huge relief to me because after working on something for months and months you start to worry that it's not ever going to happen. That maybe this is as far as he can go. What a blissful moment it is every time when he shows us otherwise! Then we start the process all over again focusing on the next big milestone. Trying to remind ourselves that its going to once again take time and just remember that eventually he will get it. Just DON'T GIVE UP!

Cierra is still our miniature locomotive. She just goes and goes and lets nothing get in her way. She is fully crawling and trying to pull herself up to standing now. She has two bottom teeth and loves to mimic and babble with you all day long. She's amazing!

I have to mention that Carsen is doing great socially as well. He loves to babble and talk as much as you'll let him. He also has two bottom teeth that are pushing through.

Anyway, as you see I could go on. Sooooo... today I am 32weeks along now and getting closer and closer to having a third baby in the household. CRAZY!! I am getting more and more scared as the due date gets closer. I don't know who to pray for more these days.... the twins, me, or the new unsuspecting baby who has no idea what they are getting themself into. Probably all four just to be safe. Or maybe just Brandon the way he keeps making reference to the fact that he's so close to picking up "drinking". Ha Ha

Enough chocolate!!!

2009-03-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

O.k., just because I am pregnant does not mean I should eat so much! I made the mistake of trying a homemade chocolate fudge sauce recipe and now I CAN'T STOP!!! I have had one of these banana split sundaes almost every other night if not every night this past week. This is especially bad that I do this when my doctor tells me to stop exercising for a week. Bad idea!! I just hope he lets me resume starting next week. Since, I brought that up I will just mention that I am being put on a progesterone shot once a week to keep me from having preterm labor again. The doctor discovered that I was already slightly dilated. So for precautionary measures this is the rout we are taking. No worries though. I'm more concerned about the excessive amounts of sundaes I am consuming. So let this be a warning to anyone. Don't make homemade chocolate fudge sauce. You won't be able to leave it alone!!

Watch out Grandpa Towne!

2009-02-28T20:50:00.001-08:00

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Braden turns four years old on March 1st. So today we had his birthday party at the local bowling alley. First we have to thank Grandma and Grandpa Towne for the Nintendo Wii for Christmas because now Braden thinks he is the worlds best bowler. Well, we all know that real bowling is not as easy as the Wii. But, after seeing Braden play the real thing maybe the Wii really has taught him something. Sooo..... move over Grandpa Towne you have some competition now!

Back to Basics

2009-02-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

Well, Carsen has decided to show me who's boss once again. I try so hard to show him it's me but he just won't budge. (Sounds a bit like myself, hmmm.) When it comes to eating Carsen wants to be in complete control! Not a big deal if he liked to eat. But he doesn't! Well, not enough. So with counsel from the doctor and feeding specialist we have decided to go back to the basics. Since Carsen has come home we have tried everything we could think of to get this guy to eat! Sadly none of our tricks or methods have really been very effective. Yes he has gained weight all along which has definitely been the goal. But, he still struggles with feedings and often hardly takes half of his bottle. So, since the new routine he has gained zero. Not good! I can't stand it when I see this happen. The doctor has said to keep up the routine and not to try my old tricks that used to get more ounces in him but took a very long time and almost took all my attention from everyone and everything else. In short, emotionally exhausting for me and never any time left over for the other kids. So here we go again. We hope this method works! Aside from all that... he and his lttle sister sure are cuties!!! Here's a little peek.

In case you haven't heard

2009-01-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

We are expecting once more. At least we really hope only once more. Admittedly, this has been a tough discovery for Brandon and I. As you can imagine we really weren't prepared for another baby, especially so soon. We are not denying responsibility here we just can't believe this was in the cards for us. When we found out we were terrified and absolutely stunned. But since finding out we have felt more and more gratitude for the blessing that it is. We just hope that we can do our best and provide our little ones with all that they need and deserve. We will try our hardest. But ohhhhhhh boy! We have a lot of work to do! And speaking of boy, well that's what we're having too. He is due July 3rd which is my Grandpa Redfields' birthday who just passed away this past year. (Kind of special.) Anyway, we are wishing for a long (hard to say) pregnancy this time around. No more extra-early babies please! So that's our news we hope life gets extremely boring for us for awhile. We could really use it!!

Does Elmo do this to your child?

2009-01-27T20:44:00.000-08:00

Cierra will sit and shreik at any stuffed animal. It cracks us up! From the other room it sounds like a horror show on T.V. It's hilarious. It's only after about ten minutes straight of it that we finally get our fill. I couldn't pass up showing a small bit of it. I'm sure this is a temptation to come stay with us and hear it for yourself. Any takers?

A New Year!

2009-01-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

To our family and friends we hope you all had a wonderful Christmas holiday. We had a very nice holiday with family all throughout the month of December. With the Eskelson family Christmas party and a special surprise by Grandma and Grandpa Towne on Christmas Eve. Thank you to everyone who sent kind Christmas greetings, delivered yummy holiday goodies and of course the very thoughtful gifts for us and the kids. It was a most special holiday for us. Mostly because of the gifts that we have received from our Heavenly Father and his angels (on earth and from Heaven)this past year. Our little babies have been so greatly blessed. So much more than I ever could have imagined. Most of all we have been blessed with the gift of HOPE. Shortly after these babies were born we were given such little hope for Carsen and what his future would hold. That lack of hope is what was so torturous for us during that time. We will never forget that feeling of hopelessness. The only hope we had at that time was that one day Carsen would be wholly restored both body and mind. Gratefully, today we have so much more hope. For Carsen we rejoice. He will not have to wait for that glorious day to enjoy the wonderful gifts of his body and mind. He gets to enjoy those precious gifts now. We have been blessed with great HOPE for Carsen's future. As a mother I can't explain how that makes me feel for my little baby boy. It's the greatest kind of joy I could have. I have learned how important hope is in this journey of life. When it does not exist our trials can overwhelm and overrun us. I am so grateful for the HOPE that our family has been given as we have watched Carsen progress and achieve more by this young age than they once ever expected. We continue to recognize the power of miracles through faith and prayer. We are so grateful for the faith and prayers of so many. Those prayers of faith have helped us to have hope when it seemed so hard to maintain at times. We have never been in this alone and we feel eternally indebted to many for their support. I have learned so much in these past eight months but these lessons have not been easy. I thank you Father and I thank you friends for the HOPE you have given us when times have been so hard. I am trying to learn as the plaque my dear Mother-in-Law gave me that "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass..... It's about learning to dance in the rain".

2008-12-06T00:16:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox greeting

Back and Forth

2008-11-11T19:39:00.001-08:00

You might have guessed by this posting's title that things are never the same. What I mean by that is that Carsen (the one who likes to keep us on our toes) isn't sure if he wants to eat again. Lately, he has a good week of eating and then a bad one. Well, we are lingering in the 'bad one' longer than I'd really like. Carsen eats about half of his feedings when he gets in these ruts. So far he continues to gain weight which is obviously the goal but the weight gain isn't as much as his Doctor would like. He needs the raw calories more than anything else and that has been our focus. Trying baby veggies, and fruits is an idea but doesn't quite bring the calories we get from formula. So, unless Carsen decides to increase his appetite our options don't look that great. We would be looking at a feeding tube. Obviously I'm not thrilled by this idea as you could fill his lungs with formula if you don't have the tube placed just right. They would teach us how to do it but still not very comforting. I can tell you that this is probably the single most stressful thing I go through everyday. The greatest contributors to brain and lung growth in the first year of life is nutrition and oxygen! This is huge for these little babies. We are already seven months into that first year. That is probably why I have literally found white hairs on my head. It weighs on me every hour of the day. Thank goodness these babies don't understand the stress they cause. So, for now we get gray and keep on praying. I think I'm learning this is a motto for all parents. We hope Carsen decides that he likes food as much as his Mommy and Daddy do. O.k...... like his Mommy does.

2008-11-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

2008-10-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

Finally an update that doesn't stem from a worried place in my heart. Things are going quite well. Of course that doesn't mean life has slowed down to the speed of less than 90 miles an hour. But hey, once you get used to that speed of life it becomes normal. I think Brandon and I wish we could make multiple clones of ourselves or at least pay people to do the things we never have time to do. We have been fortunate enough to discover that our next door neighbors kids are quite good little worker bees. I say that kindly. Brandon has recruited the two older sons the last month or so to help put in our spinkler system. They were a great help and a lot more affordable than some of the bids we've gotten. Just today I decided to enjoy a couple hours up town all by myself. What a treat to get a break. When I got back the two sisters from next door were in my kitchen cleaning and doing dishes. Hallelujah! What a wonderful surprise. Because yes, even though my house was a mess from top to bottom I did leave to have some time for myself. Brandon asked the girls if they could come help do some cleaning and they were anxious to help. They were so sweet and helped us out a ton. Those kind of surprises are becoming my favorite these days.

O.k., enough about me let's talk about those babies! Carsen has an Occupational Therapist that comes to see him twice a month. He came last week to work with Carsen. So far he has been very pleased with Carsen's abilities and progress. At this point he has some concern about Carsen's left arm movement. Now, if you know anything about where Carsen was three or four months ago you know that that is nothing. Of course, Carsen is still very very young. We will not know definites for awhile still. But, we have so much reason to celebrate every day with him. And of course his sister too. It's so hard to really grasp the reality of his miracles sometimes. He has so far conquered soooo much. And boy let me tell you he is not done. Everyday he amazes me. I mean every single day. To think that the sadness and pain we used to feel for him would ever begin to fade is amazing to me. Especially this soon in his life. We used to hear such dim and hopeless things from Doctors. Now everyday that I have him his light and his strength and personality just shine so bright. He is very much full of life and energy. Even though he is a very laid back baby you can't underestimate his spirit and vitality. He brings so much to this family. He and his little sister are priceless little gems. We wouldn't know what to do without them. What a joy they are!

Life is Crazy

2008-10-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

This is looooong overdue! Well, as you can imagine life has been a little overwhelming for the Eskelson household. I don't even have time to call my own mother anymore! For me that's pretty bad. I wish I could log everything that has gone on over the last couple months but I'm not even going to try. Sorry. One of the main reasons I had not had time for an update after Carsen's welcome home was because of a very frightening experience. Carsen had only been home about two weeks when he unexpectedly stopped breathing. I can't even put into words what that was like. After stimulation (like the nurses had shown me before) there was no response. I had to start breaths and compressions. Carsen thankfully, started to breathe again. But did not totally recover. He started to slip into it again a couple minutes later. I called 911. They took Carsen to the hospital almost right away. He continued this cycle off and on for a couple of hours until they got him on the ventilator ready to board the Life Flight helicopter back to Primary Children's. Carsen was put through many tests and Dr.'s concluded that it was neurological. They couldn't find any other cause. He is now on a medicine that helps stimulate the area of the brain responsible for breathing. He has done really well with breathing since then. The Dr.'s hope by about ten months of age he will outgrow the risk of not breathing. I won't even go into the realm of emotion that a mother has to go through when enduring something like this. It's undescribeable. It will forever be burned into my mind and my heart. I just pray I will never have to go through that again.

So, ever since then I have been obviously overwhelmed and preoccupied with my responsibilities. These two little angels are quite a handful. But I also must add JOY FUL. They are such a treasure in our lives. They are an immense amount of work but sooooo worth it. My bond with these two continues to grow when I think how can it get any stronger. Carsen is the most wonderful cuddler in the world! How lucky am I! You can just feel his love for you when you hold and love him. And Cierra what a spitfire! She is amazing. She has so much life and vitality in her. And boy does she know how to lay it on. Her smile will nock your socks off! Watch out. You might get sucked in.

I realize this is a very short update for all that has happened. I really didn't want to go into tons of detail about Carsen. We are trying to get past that day and the weeks that followed and enjoy the now. Thanks once again for the continued prayers and thoughts from everyone. It does us so much good. We have the best family and friends in the world!

Welcome Home

2008-08-24T16:56:00.001-07:00

Our day has come. Carsen came home Sunday Aug.17th. Although not without a few hurdles. As I was at the hospital getting passed off on all the teaching by his nurses my fears somewhat intensified. I realized that I did not know Carsen's cues and routines very well. His situation has always been different than his sister's and it was even more unfamiliar to me since he began staying at Primary Children's. Feeding time was the scariest. Carsen eats a lot slower than Cierra and still had difficulty with the sucking/swallowing/breathing routine. The couple times I had fed him from a bottle he choked on his food and his heart rate dropped significantly. Well, I don't care much for the color blue or purple on my little boy. The exercise of rubbing his back and patting him vigorously to breathe was unnerving. I really questioned in my heart if Carsen was truly ready to come home. After talking to the doctors and nurse practitioners they convinced me that "he" was ready. But, was I ready? That was the question. With a stomach tied in knots I decided to trust the doctors. Besides, I really didn't want to wait one more day for our little guy to come home.
Well, to our surprise Carsen has done amazingly well. Why should we be surprised really. Carsen has impressed us all each step of the way. He's eating, sleeping, and growing very well. We couldn't be happier with his progress. Carsen and Cierra's Pediatrician is wonderful. When she met Carsen this week she admitted that she was very pleasantly suprised. When I had told her about Carsen's history she expected him to look and act much different. That was of course great to hear.
Carsen and Cierra have brought so much to our lives in such a small amount of time. They have been on this earth for four months now and I feel like I have experienced more fear, pain, joy, anxiety, and desperation in that time than in my entire life. I don't think the spinning of my world has quite stopped yet. I think it will continue to slow and rebalance as time goes on. When I sit in quiet moments holding them close I look at them and realize how much this has been so much bigger than me. It's much bigger than my emotional, physical, and spiritual capacities to handle. I look at them in awe and in wonder. I am totally overwhelmed and humbled by them and their existence. That's when I realize I have been carried many times through this rough journey. To have made it this far with so much to hope for. I know that we have been blessed. I know that things could have turned out very differently than this. There is definitely a path and a purpose for these little miracles. I am humbled and thrilled to follow and participate in that path. They are special little babies. Amazing gifts from a loving Heavenly Father. Of all the gifts one can receive, this one will have me grateful for eternity.

Is the wait finally over?

2008-08-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

I have just arrived at the hotel in Salt Lake. We are holding our breath that Carsen doesn't. The doctors have promised that if Carsen doesn't have any more Apnea episodes by Sunday he can come home! Carsen has had to go seven days in a row with no actual Apnea episodes. (When he forgets to breathe.) Sunday will be day number seven. We have learned to be a little superstitous as the doctors and nurses are. They don't like to mention it around Carsen because they think he is listening. For example, last Friday Brandon and I headed for Salt Lake with the intention of bringing Carsen home on Monday. Monday being his seventh day with no episodes. Well, sure enough about an hour into the drive the Nurse Practitioner calls and says "Sorry he's not coming home on Monday." Carsen had just had an apnic spell. That started the clock again back to day zero. We were sooooo dissapointed. The car was packed with all his things and we felt totally prepared to bring him home. We were sad but assured that if he's not ready then it's not the right time. We certainly don't want to push him. He needs to take as much time as he needs to get well. So, here I am back in Salt Lake trying not to hold my breath. (And Carsen too!) We hope your ready buddy.

A little less sleep

2008-08-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

Cierra has been home now for seventeen days. Today Cierra had a visit from a home health care nurse. Her Pediatrician is hoping that her check ups will work out better this way. It's great for me. Not having to bring Braden, Gracie and Cierra plus monitors to the doctors office is much easier. We also thought this would keep her from getting any bugs that are going around. Well, don't count on that! This past weekend I got a very nasty stomach bug. I was so devastated. I was terrified that Cierra might get it. I felt much better by Sunday. Well, Sunday night it's Brandon's turn. Poor little Cierra is rooming in with a bunch of sickies running back and forth to the bathroom all night. So far she is doing just fine. Thank goodness for hand soap and hospital grade hand sanitizer!

Carsen has been through a lot the last few weeks. He was moved to Primary Children's in Salt Lake. We are very sad that he is no longer at Mckay-Dee in Ogden. For one, my Brother and Sister-in-law are not as close to him. And two, WE LOVE MCKAY-DEE. They were absolutely wonderful. I cannot say enough about those wonderful doctors and nurses. We miss them. Well, Carsen was moved to Primary Children's to have a permanent shunt placed in his head. This allows the spinal fluid that was building up to drain and reabsorb into the body. His recovery has taken longer than we all thought. He struggled with coming off the ventilator after surgery. Carsen just wasn't quite ready to be breathing on his own again. He also had a fair amount of water retention. This is normal but certainly was disheartening for me to see. It's hard to eagerly want to see your little boy after such a surgery and not even recognize him. Finally just a few days ago Carsen was extubated and back to a nasal canula. The swelling has gone down significantly and he is doing quite well. He is just starting to take his feedings by bottle again. We hope he continues to do well. We miss him terribly. It's sooo difficult to have Cierra home and Carsen so far away. We are so torn between them. The best situation for Cierra is to stay home as much as possible. But Carsen needs us and we need Carsen. We are so desperate for the day that he is ready to come home. We miss you little buddy.

Miracles

2008-07-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems like it has been forever since our last update. There is so much news to share. First may we say "Welcome Home Cierra!" Yes she did it! Last weekend Brandon, the kids, and I made the trek out to Ogden to pick up little Cierra. We left the kids with their wonderful Aunt Naja and Uncle Kyle while Brandon and I stayed the night at the hospital. They call it rooming in. We were able to be with Cierra all night in a family sleep room next to the NICU. We had her all to ourselves for the first time since she was born on April 13th. She was on a four hour feeding schedule which gave us a little more sleep then we expected. Although sleep was often interrupted with the monitors that they were sending her home on. She did really well and seemed to be ready to go home. The next morning we were sent to a CPR class at the hospital. That was a little frightening for me. I didn't like the idea of maybe needing to give CPR to my little newborns. It was definitely good to learn but I hope Carsen and Cierra never need it. Later that day we were trained on Cierra's oxygen equipment and monitors. Again, a little intimidating. Finally, around 5:00pm Cierra was discharged. We drove straight to Uncle Kyle's house to pick up Braden and Gracie. The cousins were so cute when they were finally introduced to their newest girl cousin Cierra. Then to see the look on Braden and Gracie's faces was so neat. They had this look of amazement mingled with a bit of reverence. They realized how special it was to have a newborn baby as a part of their family. Our wonderful Aunt Naja got a few moments alone holding little Cierra. I knew how special it would be for both of them because of the bond they had formed since the babies had been at the hospital. Aunt Naja was so kind to fill in on many occasions when Brandon and I could not visit the babies. She was able to give them the love we wanted to be there and give. Thanks Aunt Naja. Well, she is ours now and we hope she won't have to see the walls of a hospital room for a long long time. She is on a very minimal amount of oxygen which we hope doesn't last too long. She takes most of her feedings from a bottle. We are still nursing but need to take it slow. She had her first visit with her Pediatrician on Tuesday. Cierra weighed 6lbs. and 1.5oz. She is doing well and sleeping a ton. She is so precious!

Well, most of you already know about what we refer to as our 'miracle'. You may be thinking, "which one?" I'm talking about Carsen. Many days have gone by that I've thought about how to write about this. I still don't know. It's a bit sacred to me. I don't have the words to explain really. Carsen has been given a wonderful gift. A gift that is sometimes easily taken for granted. It's so overwhelming to me that words cannot describe how I feel. Carsen had a severe brain bleed on the right side of his brain that devastated his entire brain. After many head ultrasounds, Doctors gave us the worst possible outcome. There was little hope for Carsen and his future. We were then asked to make the most difficult and heartbreaking decision any parent would have to make. After much prayer from many faithful hands we were kept from making that decision. At the time we did not know why the course of things seemed to change. This decision was no longer in our hands. We were simply overjoyed by that. That was an experience we never imagined we would be faced with. Having to ask yourself if you should let your baby be taken off life support before they ever even experienced it was gut wrenching. It caused us pain in every inch of our body. Life had just stopped for us. Everything else meant nothing and we didn't know if it ever would again.
Somehow, someway a miracle happened. Our little boy that had literally no brain left was given a gift. A gift and chance at life. I say gently... it is there. For some reason Carsen's future is not the same. It is not what it was. I know where these gifts come from and I am so humbled. I believe He had compassion. Compassion for a broken and devastated family that tried to stay faithful and trusting. We know that Carsen was blessed. We are humbled beyond words. We believe that miracles are and always have been possible. I say it gently... it is there. We say "thank you" to everyone who prayed with deep sincerity for our little boy. He has recieved this gift because of the faith and prayers of many kind and wonderful people. Carsen has a real future ahead of him now. We can't wait to see and be apart of it. What a gift to us. Everything means everything to us now.

I say it gently...it is there!

Getting Bigger!

2008-06-28T14:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Renee the babies developmental specialist called to give us an update. Not much was new. She said Carsen had a little higher tone than a week ago. That means his legs and arms were a little tighter than before. She said he still is in the normal range just at the high end. She also said it may have been because he was a little agitated. The nurse had just suctioned his nose out before Renee's visit. This could be the reason why his tone was higher. But it may also be related to his brain issues. He did a little better at tracking this time. His eyes followed her just a little. Renee said for his age and prematurity that it was very normal to have minimal tracking. Carsen has been taking about half of a single feeding by bottle, every other feeding. He is practicing and doing pretty good. When I am up in Ogden we practice nursing as well. He has done very well. The first time a week ago Renee observed him and was amazed at how well he did. She actually started to cry she thought it was so great. She's a wonderful lady. The next day after 20 minutes of decent nursing I attempted to burp little Carsen. The sweet little guy nuzzled right up into my neck with his cute little arm on my shoulder. It was so wonderful to feel him really want to be close to his Mommy. After awhile Brandon got up to take a picture of us and noticed his eyes were wide awake. He lay against me perfectly calm and still with eyes wide open. It was a special experience for me. The babies are rarely awake and not for very long. I felt like all that Carsen wanted was to be in his Mommy's embrace. I was grateful for that experience.

Cierra has done really well with her evaluations from Renee. She tracks a little bit and has really good tone. She does really well on the bottle. Like Carsen her feedings are alternated with a bottle. She is also learning to nurse. The coordination of the sucking, breathing, and swallowing is something they both are trying to learn. Cierra loves her binky and that helps her practice two of the three.

We sure miss our babies. It gets harder to leave when I have more to contribute now to their progress. We love seeing them together in the same crib. I forget what it's like having a singleton baby. Seeing them together seems totally normal now. I forget that twins is not the norm. All I can say is it's quite a treat. It's a wonderful gift. We are grateful.

2008-06-18T13:53:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

2008-06-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

2008-06-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sunday the babies hit their 33+ week. We still don't know exactly when they will be coming home but we have always been told to count on or around their actual due date of July 26th. Carsen weighs 4pds.3oz. and Cierra is at 3pds. 15oz. Yeah! We always enjoy hearing about their weight gain.
On Tuesday we got some really fun news. First, the babies nurse told us that they were moved from room one, which is the room with the highest level of care in the nicu, to room three. Second, she said that they are out of their isolettes now and into an open crib TOGETHER! We were thrilled. Especially since we cannot always be up there with them. Now they can keep each other company. It made us feel so good.

Since Carsen was first taken off the ventilater a few weeks ago he has only been back on once. He has been doing really well since he was last extubated. Both Carsen and Cierra have a nasal canula for oxygen support and feeding tubes through their nose getting mommy's milk. No IV's or other tubes.

Carsen has not had a head ultrasound for awhile but the Doctors say his outcome is expected to be the same as before. Moderate to severe disabilities. We continue to pray and hope for the best possible outcome for our little guy. That's all we can do. Thankfully, Cierra has been almost perfect from day one. We are so grateful for that.

We so appreciate the love, support, and prayers from ALL of our friends and family. Thank you.

Journal

2008-06-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

6/2/08

This weekend Braden, Grace, and I went to Ogden with Grandpa and Grandma Eskelson to see the twins. Heidi was still too sick to go into the hospital, and I hadn’t seen the twins up close for almost three weeks. It was really good to see them too. They both looked so good, it really did my heart good to see how healthy they both look.

Braden and Grace both got to go back and see them up close. Braden was so proud to see his little brother and sister. He was talking to them and holding their little hands so gently. Grace was really intimidated by everything and seemed apprehensive about everything. But she did like looking in at the babies. We all can’t wait to go back really soon and hang out with them some more.

Carsen & Cierra!

2008-06-02T12:33:00.001-07:00

Carsen & Cierra updates!

2008-05-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

5/10/08

There is a good reason it has been a whole week since I’ve made a journal entry. Cierra has been doing really well and will be off of her internal respirator soon. She also has no IV’s of any kind. She can take all of her medicine through her feeding tube and is eating breast milk every 4 hours. Carsen is the same as far as not having any IV’s, and eating but his lungs aren’t as strong as Cierra. He is on a regular respirator right now to. Good things are happening for both of them.

Despite all the good news there is also the worst news. I hate even writing it down in this journal. On Wednesday Heidi went to Ogden with Braden and Grace to be with the babies. On Thursday she had a meeting with a neurologist whom had been monitoring Carsen’s progress with his brain bleed. After their meeting she called to tell me about it. The absolute worst nightmare of my life is now unfolding before us.

Carsen has very little brain matter left, and what is left is possibly not functioning brain tissue. He has only a 5% chance of being able to swallow, or even cough. And if he miraculously falls into that 5% window there is no telling how long he will live. His projected functionality is that he will never be in a wheel chair only able to lie in a bed. The horror story goes on and on, and the worst part is that Heidi and I have to choose to keep him alive like that or let his spirit go home to Heavenly Father.

Next time I hear someone say that you will never be tried with something that you can’t handle I will let them know how vague that statement is. I believe it is true, but it seems to provide a false sense of security about possible trials in one’s life. Anything can happen at any time no matter how prepared you are. I guarantee I am not able to handle this trial at all, nobody could be. This statement should be quoted instead, “No matter how overwhelming your trials may feel God will always be there to help”.

Heidi and I still haven’t made a decision at all. We are still praying, and hoping to make sense of everything we’re going through. Whatever decision we make won’t be a wrong or selfish one. We don’t care how hard it will be on our lives to take care of a severely disabled baby. We just don’t want Carsen to suffer any more. But we love him so much we don’t want to let him go either.

5/14/08

Today Carsen Weighs 2lbs. 7oz and Cierra's weight is 2lbs. 3oz. They both look so beautiful and peaceful. Cierra got her ventilator changed out and now all she has is the tubes in her nose supplying her with oxygen. She has such a cute little face, despite her Mothers demands I can’t help but keep calling her my little monkey.

Our window of time to decide to keep Carsen on support or take him off is close to over. Heidi and I went to the Temple in Vernal yesterday and did some initiatory work and then sat in the Celestial room praying and talking. We both had amazing experiences and felt very strongly about what Heavenly Father wants us to do. We also felt and saw visions of just how wonderful little Carsen is. He is such a special spirit that we feel honored that he is part of our family.

We then asked Braden and Grace if they wanted to come with us to Ogden or stay with Grandma and Grandpa Eskelson. They both wanted to stay there so Heidi and I drove out last night. We got here at 12:30 and came into the NICU room to hang out with Carsen, and Cierra; we left at 1:30. The nurses had us a room on the unit to sleep in, it was the same room I slept in that first night. Neither of us slept very well.

When we got up I came straight into the NICU unit and held onto Carsen for about two hours. I really felt like we were able to feel each other’s spirit so I started talking to him and letting him know how honored we all feel to have him in our family. I let him know what was going to happen today and I think he knows. He also knows that he will be OK and he isn’t scared for it to happen.

5/15/08

Heidi’s MOM got here today to see and hold the twins; she got here really late last night. She then went straight to the hospital to see them. The hospital called to ask us if she was ok to come in and see them at 5:30ish. She really wanted to see them, I am glad she got to do so after helping Grandpa Redfield through his passing.

One of the nurses at McKay-Dee hospital takes really professional looking photos for people whom are going through tough times like us. She came in today with all of her stuff and took some really precious photo’s of Carsen and Cierra together. We can’t wait to see them.

Today we had a meeting at about 7:30PM with a couple of the doctors and nurses that care for the twins. The doctors gave us some really good news about Carsen. In a lot fewer words than it took them to explain to us we were told that this decision is no longer ours to make. Carsen has progressed and healed so quickly in such a short amount of time that we no longer have a say when he will pass away. His lungs which looked so scared up and cloudy are now clear and full and healthy. His heart is beating perfectly, and he is pooping like a pro again. All that I blessed him with on Friday happened. His brain is still really badly damaged, but everything else is functioning perfectly.

It feels so good to know that Heavenly Father was really there the whole time. He answered all of our prayers 100%. Now it is up to Heavenly Father when to call him back not us. It was so hard to think about how to tell him goodbye and then tell the doctors to pull his breathing tubes out and watch him die. Such a decision would have haunted us forever. We did have to issue a DNR (do not resuscitate) for Carsen if he were to have a turn for the worse. And that decision was not an easy one either, but so much easier after what we went through to decide if and when to take him off life support.

I have an idea of what Abraham went through when he was told to sacrifice his son Isaac. I thought about Abraham a few times as we were being faced with this. And I prayed every time that it would end the same. I feel like it did; our faith was tested and Heavenly Father blessed us immensely after the test.

This is one trial I will never be thankful enough for. The faith it has built in me I would never have imagined feeling this close to the Lord. I am so humbled by the amount of love and support everyone has shown to us. And the Holy Spirit has been there every step of the way, every tear that was shed.

5/27/08

This last 10 days has been a horrible one for the family, mostly Heidi. She is sick with what seems like 6 different bugs. Grace has been sick, Braden has a cold, and I am getting over one of the worse stomach bugs I have ever gotten. I think all the stress coupled with lack of sleep and being on the go so much is all catching up to us. We are going home together for a week to try and recuperate.

On Thursday Carsen got transported down to Salt Lake City and admitted into the Primary Children’s Hospital for surgery. They are putting a reservoir tap in his head to drain some of the fluid pressure off at a natural rate to see if that will improve his situation. The surgeon whom preformed the operation told us that everything looked better than he expected. He also gave Carsen a CT scan and was expecting to see some stroked brain tissue. He was surprised to see that there wasn’t any. The Doctor said that doesn’t change the prognosis on his possible disabilities but it is a good sign. We will be able to see in the next few months if the surgery did very much depending on how fast Carsen gets off the internal respirator.

Today Carsen weighs 2 lbs. 13 ozs. And Cierra weighs 2 lbs. 10 ozs.

5/30/08

Today we were told that Carsen was extabated, which means that his internal respirator has been removed and he is breathing with a nasal canal tube now. He may be reintabated later but it is good to see he is progressing. I hope that means he is feeling comfortable right now. We will be going out to see them both today; we are all feeling a lot better and excited to hang out with them again.

Carsen now weighs 3 lbs. and 1 oz. and Cierra now weighs 2 lbs. and 13 ozs.

Some new pictures!

2008-05-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

A more detailed update!

2008-05-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

4/24/08
Today we were notified that Cierra had a tough time with her blood pressure last night. They put her on dopamine to keep it up. The Doctor is positive it is her ductus artery; the same one Carsen had surgery on. They are putting her in surgery later today for a ligation surgery.
….A FEW HOURS LATER…
Cierra’s Doctor just called me back and said everything went perfectly. He also said that while he was looking around inside her chest cavity that all of her organs looked great…really healthy.

4/27/08
Today we were in Ogden visiting the babies; Braden and Grace were at the hospital with us. They just wanted to see where Mom and Dad were going all the time. Braden kept asking to go see the babies. He is too young right now so the nurses won’t let him go back. Which is alright because he would play with everything in there that goes beep, there are a lot of machines beeping too.
Last night we blessed the babies and gave them their names. It was such a wonderful and spiritual experience. I felt so comforted and gave both of them all the wonderful blessings that they deserve. Uncle Mike and Uncle Kyle were there to help.
Heidi’s brother Kyle has been able to stop in and see the babies while he is at work. He has also given them both blessings when we weren’t able to be there. It is so very comforting to know that he, and Naja are there talking to the twins every day.

5/1/08
Cierra is doing really well today. She is on a jet ventilator, which is the specialized ventilator for premature babies. When she started her oxygen needs were at 85, tonight her needs are at 30. So her little lungs are getting stronger every day.
Carsen is still having trouble with bleeding on his brain. His right side is bleeding pretty badly and it is swelling and causing the left side to get crowded. The doctors aren’t worried too much right now but they will be measuring his head every day to make sure it doesn’t swell to fast. Up till now his head hasn’t swollen at all so they think that the bleeding has either stopped or it is so slow that things will get better and they won’t have to drain any brain fluid to reduce the swelling. It is an answer to our prayers, one more of the many miracles that we all have been blessed with.
Both of the twins are eating Mommy’s milk every 4 hours. Cierra gets 3.5ml every 4 hours and Carsen is eating 7ml every 4 hours. If they are tolerating it well that amount will go up every 12 hours. Right now Carsen weighs 2lbs, and Cierra weighs 2lbs 2oz.
We are getting so much support from everyone in the community here, and our ward back in Eagle Valley. I have heard so many people putting our, and the twins names on the prayer rolls at the temple that they must be on them 30 times. I truly feel that spiritual strength from everyone’s faith and all the positive thoughts for our benefit.
Braden and Grace got to go back and see the twins through the window today. They brought them matching little stuffed animals to sit on their incubators. But Carsen and Cierra need Braden and Grace to take care of them until they get home. They were so good, the nurse made them wear little face masks with Disney characters on them and fold their arms. The mask was too big for Grace she couldn’t see over it completely so it didn’t last long on her but she did keep her arms folded and so did Braden. Braden loved seeing their little feet moving around, he was so excited. He was saying “Which one is Carsen, Where is Cierra, I see his feet daddy, Look there’s Cierra’s leg.” When I told them to say goodbye Braden and Grace stared kissing the window and saying “I wub you Arsen, I wub you Yierra” So cute. I was really glad they got to see their brother and sister it really helped make sense of everything to them.

More pictures to come and Thank you for all your support and prayers!

A Comfort Passage

2008-05-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

Heidi has asked me to post this scripture to express some of the thoughts & feelings she has had in the past couple weeks:

16 Yea, and even all they who wrought miracles wrought them by faith, even those who were before Christ and also those who were after.

17 And it was by faith that the three disciples obtained a promise that they should not taste of death; and they obtained not the promise until after their faith.

18 And neither at any time hath any wrought miracles until after their faith; wherefore they first believed in the Son of God.

Carsen has had a couple blessings now and so have Heidi & Brandon. She said that after a couple of the blessings, these scriptures related most to some of the promises that were made.
She has expressed fears for the twins as well as hope, which I think is what we all feel along with her. Thank you for your continued hope and prayers.

Some good news!

2008-04-24T15:06:00.001-07:00

4/22/08
Miracles are already starting to happen for Carsen. The Neonatal Doctor looked at his brain picture’s and x-ray’s and told the nurse Nancy that he wouldn’t have graded the right side of Carsen’s bleeding a 3 but a 2. So it sounds like the right side of his brain is much better than we thought. At grade 2 there is little danger and the right side of the brain is what most of us use for functioning every day. The left side is what we use for creative thinking. We are still praying and hoping for a miracle and that all the bleeding will be gone and he will have no problems. Nancy also told us that a friend of hers that is also a nurse adopted a little boy who had such extensive bleeding on both sides of his brain that they thought it would be fatal. They put in a brain shunt and now he is 11 years old and head of his class and has no noticeable disability what so ever.
Please keep praying and hoping for the best.

A new update!

2008-04-22T11:20:00.001-07:00

4/21/08

The doctors and nurses have been telling us to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Last night we got some pretty bad news about Carsen. The doctors did and ultrasound on both babies and found Cierra had a small blood clot on her brain but nothing to worry about. But Carsen had extensive bleeding in his brain that would most likely cause some disabilities later in life. We won’t know how much until months or even years down the road. When there is bleeding on the brain it is graded a 1-4 4 being the worst. Carsen had a grade 3 on his right side and 4 on his left. The doctors say all we can do is hope it has stopped but the damage is irreversible. The nurses can tell their opinion more than have to tell you the consequences and they are telling us to count on divine intervention. And we are. Heidi’s brother Kyle got someone from his ward and went and gave Carsen a blessing last night. He said during the blessing he was reassured that everything will be OK. We are all praying so much and Heidi and I fell calm about the whole situation too. I know that we will be tried in our faith and miracles can happen.
When Cierra had growth on her liver we prayed and it disappeared Carsen had air in his bowels that disappeared after praying. We all just need to pray for Carsen and the miracle will happen.

Here are some pics of before and during it all! Look at Heidi, so amazing!

Ciearra Lynn Eskelson

Carsen John Eskelson

2008-04-18T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hi all, The last update was lacking in a few details...sorry, so this message is to fill in the gaps and add a little of what has happened since then.
Heidi delivered our twins Sunday April 13th at 11:00 and 11:01PM. A boy Carsen John whom weighed 1lb 11oz, and a girl Cierra Lynn whom weighed 1lb 8oz, Cierra was born first followed less than one minute later by Carsen. Heidi had been dilated to a 2 on Tuesday when Dr. Nolte (my new HERO) checked her.

On Thursday she had been feeling labor pains and we took her in to UBMC to be checked again....still a 2. At this same visit the doctor did a test called a natalfibranectin test, it is 95% accurate in determining if she would be delivering in the nexttwo weeks. The results were negative so the doctor sent us home. He did give her a long list of symptoms to be worried about. Sunday afternoon she was in the restroom and saw some of those symptoms the doctor was worried about. So we called my brothers and my dad to come over and give her a blessing. After her blessing my parents took Braden, and Grace and we drove to the hospital in Roosevelt (UBMC). When Doctor Nolte (Heidi's OBGYN for only 5 days now)checked her she was dilated to a 5. So they gave her a bunch of meds to stop the labor and arranged a helicopter flight to get her to a hospital that would be suited to take care of herthe best. When the Air Med team showed up an hour later they did their own exam on her and she had dilated to an 8.

Her medication didn't slow anything down, the twins were determinedto meet the world right now. The Air Med team could not take her up in the air for risk of her delivering in the air putting all three lives in extreme danger. The first airmed team stayed there to lend any extra needed support and two Life Flight teams were called in to take the babies once they were delivered and stable. Luckily the two teams were not busy and got there in just under an hour.

When they arrived UBMC had 8 nurses, 2 pediatricians, and a surgery team ready. And our new hero Dr. Nolte was in game mode patiently waiting for the Life Flight teams to say they were all ready. Two minutes after the word go was pronounced Cierra was out of the womb and being rushed down the hall into the waiting incubators of the LF teams. One minute later Carsen was headed the same direction. I was holding one of the double doors to the surgery room open and watched every step of the surgery. When both babies came out they were reaching out and grabbing what ever they could get a hold of. They were both gasping when they passed me, it sounded more like a squeaky way of saying hi to dear old dad. At the moment of delivery seeing both of them delivered all my nervousness and fear was swept away and I was so happy to see them already grabbing onto as much life as they could. I flew out with Cierra in the Air Flight plane, Carsen got to ride in the Helicopter, which made me jealous I have wanted to go up in a chopper my whole life he was only 30 minutes old and already going up in one.

We arrived at the McKay-Dee Hospital in Ogden at just after midnight. We wanted to send Heidi here in the first placeand after the nurse found out that the Primary Children's Hospital in SLC was full she called McKay-Dee to see if they would take us in and they did. The babies will get the same level of care here as they would at PCH. Heidi's brother Kyle works here and lives only 20 minutes away. He and Naja are so very kind they immediatelytold Heidi they would take her in and help out while she was here to be with Carsen and Cierra.

Earlier today Heidi and I were talking about how lucky we are to have the friends and family we do. They are all calling and offering sooo much to help, our brothers and parents are stepping in and taking full control of all the loose ends making it easier for us. I know we would be so stressed and frantic without them.

We are getting calls from all our friends and being offered so much help it is truely humbling. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. Heidi got to leave the UBMC Wednesday morning and I brought her out to be with me and the twins in Ogden. They are doing very well right now. I am writing a journal of all that is happening and sending it and pictures to Ashley Harris and she is going to help us keep a good blog of everything. Thanks Ashley, here are some more Photos. We love you all and thank you for your prayers and help.
Love Brandon and Heidi

Carsen John

Carsen again!

The twins first week!

Cierra Lynn!